Celebrating Conception, One Year Ago

The other night Jordan was having a hard time falling asleep so I went into our room where he sleeps, next to the bed in his bassinet and held him. He fell right to sleep in my arms. I could have set him right back down in bed but I felt the need to just hold him. He was so still and snugly and warm. I love those moments when a baby is so comfortable and secure that they can just relax and fall asleep in your arms. Those are such bonding moments for me. As I was holding my sweet baby I realized it was 1 year ago this week that he was conceived! It seems like forever ago. I remember it (the process, not the sex necessarily) so much more then with the others.


I have always wanted 3 kids, at least one boy and most definitely a girl. I couldn't imagine NOT having a girl (and still can't). Well, after two boys I was starting to think that conceiving a girl wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. I couldn't imagine myself with 3 boys! Me with 3 boys??! That just doesn't make sense. I'm such "girl", my favorite color is pink, I love sparkles and dressing up. I grew up in a family of all girls! So I decided we needed a little help this time. I read a book I borrowed from my friend called "How to Choose the Sex of Your Baby". I wont go all into it, but apparently the male sperm are faster but weaker and the female sperm are slower but stronger. So according to the book, timing is everything. We have been blessed to get pregnant very easy. First try every time. So I have not had to do any charting, temperature taking or ovulation testing. I now have a new found respect for those that have to chart and test and check their temperature first thing every morning without moving an inch. Well to get the timing just right I had to do all of these things. The book says for about 6 months. We made it 3 months before Jeremy was too anxious and didn't want to wait any longer. If you don't know what this would look like, here is a look at the records I kept:


I would be so grumpy in the mornings because I would not be able drink or go to the bathroom for 4 hours just so I could get an accurate ovulation result. We finally "went for it" but I kept second guessing myself...what if our timing was off? What if we should have waited one more day? Jeremy shouldn't have rushed me... Will we even get pregnant this time? All of my ovulation tests were negative this month, which was weird. If I wasn't pregnant, I better do even better at charting and start eating that special "gender diet" they talked about just to be sure. Jeremy was actually in a funk for awhile because he thought for sure it hadn't worked this time. So it was a happy surprise for him when Ashton handed him that special note that told him the good news. I wasn't even late for my period yet, but I was too anxious myself to find out and took a pregnancy test anyway.

My first sign that all that charting and testing didn't pay off was at our first ultrasound at 12 weeks. My doctor was looking around and I heared her say "ah oh". My heart sunk. She was my OB with Ashton and knew how much I wanted a girl. She then said that its really too early to say for sure, there is still a chance. Jeremy "knew" from that moment and never wavered. I on the other hand, held out hope for the next 7 weeks, a very long 7 weeks. We had another ultrasound at 13 weeks and the tech said "it looks like it might be a boy...well maybe not...I'm not 100% convinced" That was enough for me to still have hope. I needed 100%, no doubt about it.

While waiting for our 19 weeks ultrasound I came across this great website: www. ingender.com They have forums on gender selection methods, gender disappointment and gender prediction. On their 'ultrasound gender prediction' forum people download their ultrasound pictures from around 13 weeks and an ultrasound tech and other followers that know what to look for tell you what they think your baby is. (They look for the "nub" and the "angle of the dangle"). I didn't find this site until after my 13 wk ultrasound, so I didn't know what shots I needed to get a good prediction. It was inconclusive. No one could see anything. I was addicted to this site. I would check multiple times a day to see if someone out there posted an ultrasound picture remotely like mine and see what everyone said. Hoping of course that somebodies baby looked like mine in any way, and hoped that everyone thought it was a girl. I was reaching. I became a pro at predicting gender through an ultrasound picture!

We had one last ultrasound at 19 weeks. In the meantime I was so sick. Sicker then I was with the first two boys. I thought for sure this was a sign it was a girl! The 19 week ultrasound came around. Jeremy and both our mothers were there. This time she was pretty convinced, 99% convinced. When she finally let me empty my extremely full bladder in the bathroom attached to the ultrasound room, I heard her tell everyone else that the only reason she didn't say 100% was because she is not "allowed" to say that to anyone, just in case. My heart sunk once again and there was no hope, that maybe, just maybe, everyone had been wrong. I wouldn't leave until she got a very clear, no doubt about it, this is a boy picture. See for yourself: (sorry if some of you have no idea what you are looking at)

I prayed for a girl, but now that I look back on it, I laugh a little because I know, the whole time that I was charting and testing and holding out hope...God was looking down on me shaking his head with a little giggle. He knew that my baby was a boy. He knew right from the start. He knew since I was in my mothers womb that he was going to be a boy.

It was hard. Everyone around me was having girls, even my sister (only 6 weeks before me) Why not me? After that last ultrasound I was rocking Ashton at bedtime and I cried. I'm not afraid to admit it, but I do feel guilty, because of all those people that can't even get pregnant. How could I be sad that I didn't get the gender I wanted, I should just be happy I can get pregnant in the first place and have my own children. Healthy, living children. Maybe that was a lesson God was trying to teach me. To cherish what he has given me, because some only dream of it.

I always thought I would only have 3 kids, but as soon as I got wind that he might be a boy, I started thinking...four might not be so bad! I'm not ready to give up on my dream of a little girl of my own. Jeremy was pretty excited about that. He had always wanted four. I feel blessed for him. Knowing that we can have another (asuming its all in the master plan) is really what got me through the disapointment. Some people don't have that option or a spouse willing to go there. I am confident that God has a daughter waiting for me someday.

Jordan, I want you to know that I wouldn't trade you for 10 of the sweetest, cutest little girls in the world. I'm so glad I have you. As much as I tried to "make" you a girl in my womb, I am so glad God gave you to me. I feel privilege that he wanted me to care for another one of his sons, and humbled that he thinks that I deserve you. There is so much in store for you. I'm so glad I was chosen to be your mother. I am so glad that a year ago this week God started what he always knew would be YOU.